NEVER SAY NO TO A CHILD OR 'WOE TO YOU, O LAND, WHEN YOUR KING IS A CHILD' (Ecclesiastes 10:16)

(This story is totally fictitious; but does it sound very familiar?)

Little Ethan’s mother had a theory about bringing up children. It was never to say ‘No’ to a child.  There was no one to argue with Ethan’s mother about this, since his biological father had long since got fed up with Ethan’s mother’s views on food and politics; leaving her to bring up Ethan alone.

With no one to say ‘no’, Ethan crashed around both physically and mentally on a voyage of discovery. Given that he had little chance of learning self-control, it wasn’t long before his mother had to find some way of explaining his chaotic behaviour that didn’t reflect on her. The solution was easy: his mother decided that Ethan had some ‘condition’ that she'd read about somewhere. Having found a psychological word to describe this condition of children being out of control, she used this word as a magic explanation to be produced whenever Ethan’s behaviour upset those around him. When complaints were made about Ethan’s bullying or destructive behaviour at nursery or playschool, Ethan’s mother would immediately put the complainer in the wrong by accusing them of being unsympathetic to Ethan’s ‘condition’.

But Ethan did learn one thing very early: it was how to control his mother. By putting other complainers in the wrong by accusing them of being unsympathetic to Ethan’s ‘condition’, Ethan’s mother had also put herself in the wrong if she tried to control him. Ethan soon learned that losing his tempter, shouting and crying, especially in public, could quickly bring his mother into submission. Ethan’s learning was completely unconscious, because he had experienced no alternative behaviour. Since his bullying and destructive behaviour was never checked, it just became his natural way to get whatever he wanted.

Ethan’s power over his mother did not stop there. He had another weapon to use against her; and that was his biological father. Under the separation agreement of his parents, Ethan’s mother had custody, but his father had limited access. Ethan always enjoyed his brief times with his father for two reasons. Firstly, here was someone strong that he could follow and admire. Secondly, his father did things and bought him things that his mother didn’t approve of. It was a world of loud-mouthed right-wing macho politics, unhealthy but tasty food and football. The more this happened, the more his mother became annoyed and criticized his father. This then increased the contrast that Ethan saw between the two of them. The result was to raise his admiration for his father further and increase his irritation with his mother. So despite all her supposedly liberal views, Ethan’s mother was unintentionally creating a future male chauvinist.

Adolescence brought further chaos to his life as a result of both his mother and his father’s roles as a parents. One symptom of this was the local youth club which had been set up to give young teenagers positive things to do that would distract them from alcohol, drugs, gangs and other negative influences in their lives. One of the activities of the youth club was a plane modelling group which was run by a retired design and technology teacher. At the meetings of this club teenagers, who were mostly male, learned how to design and make their own model planes; which they would then fly in friendly competition.

As many of Ethan’s contemporaries (we won’t call them friends; because Ethan didn’t really have any friends) were in the  plane modelling group; his mother decided that he should join it too. Ethan, having no self discipline, soon got bored and dropped out. He then turned up a few weeks later with an expensive drone that his father had bought him. This was in the early days of drones and it was obviously superior to any model plane when Ethan  flew it. That was the hand of death for the modelling group because most of its members felt ashamed to be involved in something so ‘old’.

A few years later there was the ‘Adventure Group’. This aimed to get its young members out into the wilds to do camping and canoeing. Again, Ethan’s mother decided that he should join it. She had noticed by now that there was some issue when it came to Ethan having friends and joining in groups, but she unquestioningly believed that the problem lay with other children and their parents; not with her or Ethan.

The Adventure Group had arranged a trip to Scotland for a Saturday at the start of the school holidays. Given that it was a Saturday and the start of the school holidays, it was essential that the hired coach left on time early to avoid the traffic, and members were clearly told this. Needless to say, Ethan didn’t make it. He’d been up late the night before, as usual. Any idea that his mother could determine his bedtime, his morning rising, or his ability to eat breakfast had disappeared years ago; so, it was just before when the coach was due to leave that his mother desperately phoned the organizer to say that he would be late. The organizer explained the reasons for the early departure and that those intending to go had been clearly warned that the coach would leave on time; so no, he couldn’t delay the coach.

Ethan’s mother was immediately on to the Chair of Adventure Group Trustees complaining and hinting that there had been discrimination on the basis of disability. After all, that was true that when it came to punctuality, Ethan had certainly been disabled. He had never been given the opportunity to learn about rules or the absolute nature of numbers; so what did ‘on time’ mean but some time in the morning that he he could choose for his own conveience? Fortunately for the trip organizer, Ethan’s reputation was now well known. The Trustees of the Adventure Group backed the organizer and Ethan’s mother’s complaint came to nothing.

I won’t bore you with too much of the rest of Ethan’s life. Sufficient to say that he got to university after an appeal against his poor exam results on the grounds of a personal ‘trauma’. He spent much time advancing himself in the students union, using the power which this brought him to get his own way with his fellow students and the university staff; both of whom feared him. I lost trace of Ethan after that. He might have gone on to be a politically correct left wing politician. He might have gone on to be a right wing bigot like his father. But whatever he ended up doing; I have an awful suspicion that it was some occupation where he could impose rules, regulations and obedience on other people in a way that he had never experienced himself. What do stories like Ethan's tell us. . . 

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